Or in my case hurt my knee cause some chick didn't know how to do battle ropes and i had to dodge out of the way because she was playing double Dutch while I was mid curtsy lunge and I bent my leg the wrong way *end rant* 😭😭😭#lame#missedmyworkout#boo#sad
Promise me that we’ll always be silly.
Promise me that we’ll play with all the bouncy balls in the toy aisle of the department store. That you’ll twirl me around in the middle of the street like we’re on the cast of some beautiful dance movie and this is our big scene. That when we eat ice cream, we’ll smush at least a little bit of the cone in each other’s faces. That we’ll play wrestle, and that you’ll throw me over your shoulders sometimes.
Promise me that we’ll never grow too old or too serious.
That we’ll prank each other and lick the cake batter straight from the spoon and have water balloon fights in the middle of the summer.
We are kids. And always will be at heart.
No matter where we go or how much we grow or even where we end up five, ten, twenty years from now, please promise me that we’ll always be laughing.
Yes, I want us to be smart, to work hard, to be responsible adults in all the ways we should. But I still want those childish grins spread across our faces. I still want to see that mischievous smirk on your lips, that little bit of something up your sleeve. I want us to always appreciate each other and our quirks. To appreciate life.
Promise me that we’ll never be too old for cones from the ice cream truck, for lying in the grass and making animals out of clouds, for squirt gun fights and pillow forts and talking in strange accents.
Promise that you’ll grow old with me,
but never grow up.
I don’t want to be the one you call when you’re stumbling home from the bar and want to fall into a warm body.
I don’t want to be the person you text when you need a date for the night, someone to stand next to, someone to fit the part.
I don’t want to be the hand that rubs your back and comforts you to sleep when it’s 3AM and you’re feeling vulnerable.
I don’t want to be the voice at the other end of the telephone when you just need someone to listen because she doesn’t answer anymore.
I don’t want to be your second best, your for-the-time-being, your parachute, breaking your fall. I don’t want you to be the girl you need, but don’t really want. The one who covers over the empty spaces in your heart but doesn’t fill them.
I don’t want to be the one you lie to, and make promises you can’t keep.
I don’t want to be the one you use to pretend you’re not still missing her.
I don’t want to be the one you love just because you’re lonely. Because that’s not love at all.
You’re wasting time with me. You’re milling about, acting like the bruises don’t ache. You’re looking at me, but only seeing her. You’re wishing for love, but knowing you’re not ready to find it with anyone else. You’re trying to have me fill this giant hole in your heart, but I can’t. I won’t.
I cannot be the girl whose hands only remind you of her touch.
I cannot be the girl whose eyes are too brown and not enough blue.
I cannot be the girl whose laugh doesn’t make your heart catch.
I cannot be the girl you look at but don’t see.
I cannot, and do not wish to ever be the girl you love when you’re lonely. Because you don’t love me, you’re just using what we have to cover over your pain. You’re wishing away the loss of her in my arms. You’re kissing me and still tasting her. You’re pretending my touch will heal. But I can’t heal you. Only time will heal you.
And I don’t deserve someone who only loves me for what I can give, only loves me for what I can fill, only loves me to forget.
It’s okay to want to be on your own for a little while. It’s okay to want to spend your time selfishly, or to put your needs and wants before anyone else’s. It’s okay to be lazy, to be active, to over-work, to veg out in bed all weekend, to hang with friends, or to spend your nights doing whatever the hell you want to do – this is your life, and no one can tell you how to live it. We have such a negative perception of being alone, like ‘aloneness’ equates to loneliness. But it doesn’t have to. Being alone means being independent. It means knowing what you deserve and not settling. It means knowing what you want and not wasting time pursuing something that doesn’t grow you. It means finding your way in a world that’s chaotic and crazy and ever-changing. Being alone means being comfortable in your own skin. There’s nothing wrong with being alone. With waking up and making breakfast for one, with third-wheeling alongside your favorite couple friends, with going on long runs with only music and sunshine to keep you company. Stop worrying about when and where and how you’ll find your person. Stop feeling like you’re running out of time. Stop comparing your journey to everyone else’s and be happy where you are, right now. You’re doing just fine. And independence looks good on you.
I have a big heart. Sometimes a blind heart, falling into people who aren’t right for me.
Sometimes a stubborn heart, refusing to walk away from relationships, even the ones bringing me down. Sometimes a naïve heart, thinking that love can save people from brokenness, or fix problems.
I have a big heart, but I’m no fool.
I know how to love without expectations, how to give without demanding something in return, how to put others first. But when I am standing there, open-armed and vulnerable, and I receive nothing back—I know how to say goodbye.
I can love without conditions. I can be selfless and honest and open with the thoughts in my mind. I can fight for people, for relationships, for love. But when I see that the other person is no longer fighting back, no longer defending me, no longer standing by my side—I know how to let go.
See, having a big heart doesn’t mean I allow myself to get stepped on.
Having a big heart means I know how to love. But please don’t get me wrong, I know how to leave, too.
I know my value. I know when enough’s enough. I know when I’ve poured too much of myself out, and when I must stop chasing the wrong things and start pursuing the love I deserve.
I may have a big heart, but I know my strength.
I am not one to blindly give love away, to lose myself on the journey of finding love. I’m not afraid to love, to let go, to let people in. But I’m not stupid. I won’t be the woman standing there, waiting for a man to love her back, waiting for him to change, trying to convince him of her worth as he toys with her emotions.
I know my worth. And I’m worthy of real love.
And just because I have a big heart doesn’t mean it will forever keep beating for people it shouldn’t beat for. Sure, it will love, but it will be strong, too. It will leave. It will know its value. And it will walk away and search for that value elsewhere.
I may have a big heart, but I’m no fool. I know who I am and the love I deserve. And I will not settle for less.
Just because I stopped waiting for you and hoping for you to come back, doesn’t mean I still don’t love you.
However, I have learned that you cannot keep a wild thing; there is no point of holding onto something that I don’t have any assurance of. It only causes hurt — and I need to live a happier and more peaceful life. I need to do this, not because of you, or even for you, but for myself.
So, if gaining the best for myself means letting your “maybes” go, then I must be willing to do it. I must grab this opportunity to grow, to recover all the time that I’ve lost, to discover new things, to create new relationships, to make wonderful memories, especially with my friends and family, to achieve the things that are ahead of me, and to become this woman I’ve always wanted to be.
All the tears we wept and problems we faced, they were bridges to something more extravagant, and I truly believe in that. All the stories we made, wishes that we once clung to, plans that were thoroughly laid out, and good memories we collected, shared and treasured — they are pieces of us that no one can ever take away.
And yes, you left a mark on me that no one could ever replace. I’ll forever love you for that. I’ll love you in a way that accepts you as the person who changed me, who gave me the inspiration to make myself better than before, and to love myself even more. I’ll love you for the friendship and companionship we’ve established and shared. I’ll love you for the way you helped me through this cruel life. I’ll love you in a way that will still leave space for you, if we would ever stumble across each other 5, 10 or 20 years from now. And if we run into one another then, I’d be pleased to know your story over a cup of tea or coffee.
But you are gone right now, and I can’t focus on trying to get you back. I can’t keep running after you. You’ll always be special to me, but I must go. I must go.
This is for the people who are trying to be honest in a world filled with rules that makes loving someone honestly impossible. Where hiding what you feel about someone is important because you don’t want to feel rejected. Where ‘don’t text him yet’ and ‘if you call now you’ll seem too keen for her’ and ‘what did he mean when he said that’ and ‘she really meant this because of her body language’ is now more important than what a person is actually saying to you. Where subliminal meanings take precedence over love, and not ever compromising on your ego is more important than love has ever been.
This is for people who still believe in things like speaking to someone face to face is better than decrypting their every little message, move and idea behind their backs. For people who are brave enough to tell someone the truth, no matter the outcome. For the people who text “Today was wonderful, I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did” rather than trying to play it cool and text something ‘appropriate’ after an ‘acceptable’ amount of time has passed. If you’re the kind of person who tells someone you love them before they do because that’s how you really feel, and your ego matters less than how you feel about someone, then thank you.
We need more of you in the world.
If you are the kind of person who is honest with the people you love without thinking of how hard the consequences may be on your heart, please don’t change that about yourself. Don’t allow your heart to be hardened into playing games just like everyone else. Don’t let the world fool you into thinking that you’re doing it wrong. Keep being honest. Because you’re one of the few who is getting it right. Keep looking for a love who is just as honest back.
And you deserve the kind of love that is honest, and true and good to your truthful, gentle heart.